Q: Dear Parker, where are all your fans? You haven’t updated the questions in a while. Thanks Parker.
A: Dear Parker, your fans are all at a Jonas Brothers concert.
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March 16th, 2010 at 10:24 am
Fans – 03/16/10
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March 16th, 2010 at 10:23 am
Website – 03/16/10
Message: I am not happy with the slow response time from this website. Please advise.
Dear Steve, if i could walk and wasn’t all jacked up on morphine i’d kick your ass. Unlike Mahoney I cowgirled up!
March 12th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Justin Timberlake – 03/12/10
From: Gene Furleman
Message: HI BRO DO YOU KNOW WHEN WELL HAVE A NEW RECORD FROM JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND WHO MIGHT BE APPEARING ON IT WITH HIM. MAYBE JUSTIN BIEBER?
A: Justin Timberlake just got out of the studio after recording a song called “Jessica Biel’s Pants On The Ground”. Coming to a radio station near you. Cheers.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Twitter – 03/04/10
From: AJ
Message:
Parker,
Why do you never update your twitter page? It seems to me that a
voluptuous mind such as yours would have ample tidbits in which to
tweet about. Now I know what you’re going to say Parker, you’re going
to say that Tweeting is Gay; but you couldn’t be more wrong. Plenty of
straight people tweet. Straight people like Ryan Seacrest, Ashton
Kutcher, Perez Hilton and Steve Thomas all tweet! So I humbly ask
again, why do you never update you twitter page Parker?
A: Because my phone is as ghetto as my car. Thanks.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Who is – 03/04/10
From:
Jason’s Neighbor
Message:
Who exactly is this ‘Parker’ person!?!
A: He is one of my many split personalities. Cheers to you.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Trains and Clowns – 03/04/10
From:
Kyla Weaver @ RLSE
Message:
How do I get ahold of the train guy in IL? and what is the clown
lady’s name in Jackson?
A: There is this website that’s really new and just came out last week
called GOOGLE. Good luck.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Moving Tiger – 03/04/10
From: Gene Furleman
Message:
DO YOU THINK TIGER WOODS SHOULD GET THE HECK OUT OF DODGE IN FLORIDA
AND MOVE TO SWEDEN TO MAKE GOOD WITH HIS WIFE AND FATHER IN-LAW? AND
OTHER FAMILY TOO
A: He’s going to have too as he is losing sponsors left and right. Soon
you will see him doing a David Hasselhoff type endorsement but instead of
for German products it will be for Swedish things like the Swedish Penis
Pump.
Cheers.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Miley Cyrus – 03/04/10
From: Gene Furleman
Message: HEY BRO, DO YOU THINK IT’S REALLY WEIRD THAT MILEY CYRUS AND BRETT MICHAELS DID A DUET TOGETHER?
A: Gene, someday soon Chris Hansen from NBC’s “To Catch A Predator” is going to show up at your house.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Big Words – 03/02/10
From: Thom Catt
Message:
Ok, so no big words. I’ll type slowly so you can keep up. Some people
are educated beyond their abilities, you do not have that problem.
BTW you missed beer at 6:00. Too cold to sit on the porch?
A: You can type fast but I have to read and re-read really slowly.
Sometimes I have my 4 year old read to me. I love Mother Goose. This
weather sucks Thom so you won’t see me anytime soon. Plus we have a bout
of pink eye running through house.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Payton Manning – 03/02/10
From: I’m definitely not related to Parker
Message: Does Payton Manning seem kind of gay? I mean, he’s an NFL legend in the making, yet there are never stories about him chasing random poon, knocking up random skanks, or any hi-jinks, in general.
A: Mr. Manning is actually not hetero or homo sexual. He is asexual which means he spends alot of time in the shower by himself after the games. This allows him more freedom to shoot more commercials for his endorsement deals. Eli on the other hand was spotted with Tiger Woods at a Vegas party so read into that what you will.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Where’s Dave – 02/24/10
From: Megan Mahoney
Message: Where’s Dave?
A: Dear Mahoney, the more important question is “what is Dave”? I think
he headed to the Jersey Shore for some fist pumping party action after he
does his gym tan laundry.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Flowers, Stars, and more Poetry – 02/24/10
From: Thom Catt
Message:
For what do we hold dear? Can a tulip be anything but a mere flower?
If a butterfly began as a worm, can man emerge as something beautiful?
How many stars can fill a bucket? Ah Parker, your wisdom fills me. It
is like I climbed the tallest mountain and found you, my guru, at the
top.
Beer at 6:00
A: Dear Thom, please refrain from asking complicated questions with big
words and poetry. Hemingway was a douche. Thanks Parker.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Washington – 02/24/10
From: Rebecca
Message:
Dear Parker…
Since there are a bunch of crazy people in Washington who think we
must spend our way out of debt, I would like to know how you have
prepared yourself and your family for the coming apocalypse?
A: I thought I’d spend my way out of debt too but Visa has other ideas.
Funny how the dollar menu at McDonald’s turns into the $50 value menu
after 5 years of Bank of Amercia’s interest rates. Also Bank of America
SUCKS.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan – 02/24/10
From:
Gene Furleman
Message:
WHY THE HECK IS JESSICA SIMPSON DATING BILLY CORGAN?
A: Because Billy is trying out for the St. Louis Rams and Jessica
Simpson’s Dad is a big fan of Smashing Pumpkins. Also I’d appreciate you
not use the word HECK and use some profanity instead.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:33 am
Prayer Request – 02/23/10
This is from an email forward I recieved… thought it was funny so I posted it.
Dear Lord,
In the past year you have taken away my favorite actor
(Patrick Swayze), my favorite actress (Farah Fawcett), my
favorite musician (Michael Jackson), and my favorite
salesperson (Billy Mays). I just wanted to let you
know that my favorite legislator is Nancy Pelosi.
Amen
Let me know your thoughts.
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:12 am
Parker talking to Parker – 2/23/10
Q: How long before you think I lose interest in this and stop updating?
A: Dear Parker, since you love talking to yourself this is just another
pathetic attempt to do so. I think you (I) will lose interest in one
week. But the general public has already lost interest.
February 21st, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Random Sports Question – 2/21/10
Q: Hey Parker great site! I was just wondering who you thought was going
to win the World Series this year. Thanks!
A: Dear Steve, who cares. I’m getting my heart full of Olympic pride
right now. I could have never dreamed that there were so many ways to
slide down a fucking hill on a cookie sheet. On your back in the Luge
like that cat from Russia who snapped his neck, and then last night I saw
they came up with yet another way to cheat death. This time they lay on
the cookie sheet luge thing face first and shoulders back. Canadians,
yikes.
February 21st, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Married Life – 2/21/10
Q: What's it like to be married?
A: Dear Steve Mueller. As you will be participating in St. Louis' first openly gay commitment ceremony I can tell you that being married is truly and institution. I'm married to a woman so I don't know how your man on man thing is going to go but good luck. Guess in your house it's okay to drop the soap.
February 21st, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Obama Supporter – 2/21/10
Q: Is it true that you are a secret obama supporter and you show disdain
for you neighbor who is a bonafied ultra conservative and who holds
memberships in several militia groups with the ultimaye aim of
overthrowing the current government??
Dear Steve P…..Dear Lord how many fucking Steves are there on this site.
Anyway I thought you were a Libertarian or Lesbitarian or Librarian or
what the fuck ever. Last year you were sporting the WHERES THE FENCE
sticker but that dissappeared quicker than all those phony ass Osama Bin
Biden Supporters ripped their Obama stickers off their cars this year.
See you for beer at 6. Your neighbor Parker.
February 21st, 2010 at 8:57 pm
The Parker Factor – 2/21/10
Q: I would like to know why parker has a factor?and why is it the parker
factor?
A: Dear Joey Hoff, the Parker Factor is a mathmematical or however the
fuck you spell mathmatical….mat5hmeticall….oh fuck it. anyway it’s a
conversion chart for the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. So if I say
I won S900 at the Casino playing slot machines, first thing you know i’m
lying because Slots are gay. Second divide the amount by 3 because when I
bullshit I usually fuck the numbers up by 300%. How the fuck do you spell
mathematical ….holy shit fuck Batman I just did it. I spelled it right.
Yeee hwwwwwwwwww.
February 21st, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Self Promotion – 2/21/10
Q: Is there any level low enough that you would not stoop too in order to
promote yourself?
Also, what’s up with all this snow? Thanks
A: Dear John…Barrett….nice self promotion yourself with a movie out
called Dear John. Since you love war and war mongering. The answer is
complex but simple….NO because the meter for shameless self promotion is
a bottomless pit. Also with the snow, only a wise man would ask such a
question. The answer is not what’s “up” but what’s “down” as snow falls
downward. This is due to gravity.
February 15th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
Did you know that Steve Thomas is the MAN!
February 15th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Funny Video
February 15th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
The 1st question…
Why ask Parker? Well for those of you who know Parker that question answers itself. For those who do not, just read a bit… you’ll get it.
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